Regret
by Niko
Summary: Heero visits Duo after five years of peace and discovers more than what he bargain for. Yaoi/Shonen Ai
1. Rain

center.:rain:.  
/center  
pHeero stepped off the shuttle and looked around the tired streets of the colony, his prussian eyes narrowing to a scornful façade. The people that passed paid no more attention to the twenty-year-old Japanese ex-pilot than they did their own feet as they walked purposely, captivated more by their own thoughts than their actions. Heero liked it that way, liked the feeling of invisibility. The war had been over for years but the paranoia still hung over his head. Too many stares, too many curious glances, they left him edgy and uncomfortable. For him, the war would never be over. Peace was an idea and no more real in the physical prospect than in that of the mind. Peace was merely the absence of war, a stand off till either side could reestablish military power. Heero allowed a sigh to escape him. This "idea" had lasted much longer than he had thought. So had their absence. He missed them, he wasn't too ashamed to admit it. To himself at least. The other four Gundam pilots had become a family to him. He trusted them with his life. Over the years, they had lost contact with each other. That hadn't bothered Heero too much. He'd been taught friendship was a weakness, a tool that the enemy could use against him. But if peace really had been achieved, than what enemy existed now to stop him? He glanced down at the piece of yellow paper in his hand, reading over the numbers and name scrawled across it in his own handwriting. He still had a ways to walk, he noted, placing it back into the pocket of his jeans. The crowded streets soon became open country, trees and grass becoming more common than concrete and buildings. In the distance a little house glowed brightly.  
p  
IThat's it/I, Heero noted, his heart feeling lighter somehow. This would be a long awaited reunion, and perhaps, long overdue. II wonder if he'll recognize me/I, Heero thought. Though still the same person, the many years had definitely changed him in certain aspects. He had grown taller since his days as a Gundam pilot and his tastes had changed indefinitely. He'd long outgrown his tank top and spandex and was now comfortable wearing T-shirts and jeans. IPerhaps/I, he thought, II won't recognize him/I. This, more than anything else, frightened him. He'd traveled so far, the memories of the fifteen-year-old he had know in his mind. The door to the house was a foot before him now. Heero knocked at the door and waited, trying to keep still thought anxiety made him fidgety. The lock turned and the door opened, two cobalt eyes peering over the side.p   
"Oh my God..." p  
"Hello, Duo." Heero said, unable to think of anything more appropriate. p  
The twin pools of indigo-blue just stared in disbelief, "Oh my God! Heero!" p  
The door flew open, allowing the surprised boy to look fully at his long departed fiend, "Wh.. ha… uh, Hi!" p  
Heero felt all the tension in his mind release. This was definitely the same Duo. "Mind if I come in?" he asked. p  
"Oh! Sorry, yea, come in!" Duo ushered him in, closing the door behind him, "I, I didn't expect to see you." He said after a small period of silence. p  
Heero shrugged, "I hadn't really planned on coming but I didn't have anything better to do." p  
Duo looked visibly hurt, "Oh.. did Quatre contact you?" he asked. p  
"No, should he have?" Heero asked. p  
"You mean, you came here just cause you wanted to?" p  
Heero nodded, "Like I said, I didn't have anything better to do. Besides, I wanted to see what you had been doing after the war." p  
Duo's smile returned tenfold, "Really? You came all this way just to see me?"p   
"That's what I said, isn't it?" p  
Duo nodded and headed off for the kitchen, "Can I offer you some coffee or tea?" p  
"Whatever you've got will be fine." He replied, sitting down on one of the cushioned chairs. This was definitely Duo's house. The walls were painted black with a night sky on the ceiling and bright blue furniture. Its originality screamed Duo. It was comforting. p  
"I see you haven't changed a bit." He remarked aloud. p  
Duo reappeared from the kitchen carrying two black mugs, "Hm? Oh, yea. It's a bit dark but I like it." He handed a mug to Heero and sat across from him on the couch, "So, what have you been up to?" p  
"Nothing important, "Heero lied, "You?" p  
"Same. Life sure got boring after the war ended." p  
"Hm." Heero took a sip of the hot liquid, surprised at its contents, "Hot chocolate?" p  
Duo blushed, "Ya said 'whatever'." p  
There was silence for a long time. Heero took the opportunity to, in a sense, check out Duo. Despite the growing length of his braid, which now reached his knees, he hadn't changed a bit. Duo noticed the attention his braid was being given and shrugged, "Sorry, I can hardly stand trimming my bangs. You think I'm going to cut my braid?" p  
Heero shook his head, "You're going to have to one of these days. At this rate, by the time your thirty, It'll be dragging on the ground." p  
"I don't have to worry about that," Duo answered absently. The look Heero gave him was the only clue that he had spoken out loud, "Oh, uh… heh heh…" p  
The phone rang loudly, its shrill bell echoing in the silence, "I'll be right back," Duo said over his shoulder and he stepped out of the room and to the hall phone. p  
"Hello, Duo Maxwell here." There was a brief pause than an excited shout, "Quatre! Hey, you'll never guess whose here!" p  
Heero listened from his seat to the cheerful conversation. By the sounds of it, at least Duo and Quatre had kept in touch. The conversation was short and soon Duo was bouncing back into the living room, "Quatre's coming in a few days! Isn't that great!" p  
Heero nodded, "So, you and Quatre talk often?" p  
Duo nodded, "Lately, yeah. I was trying to get a hold of you, Trowa and Wufei too but you guys were impossible to locate. It's not hard to find a Winner though. So I called him up one day to say hello and now it's pretty much a weekly thing." p  
"Why's he coming here?" Heero asked. p  
Duo bit his lip, "Um, cause...he's got nothing better to do." He replied, using Heero's own response against him. p  
Heero grunted, setting his mug down, "I should get back to town. It's getting late and I need to get a place to stay." p   
"Don't go, Heero!" Duo shouted, practically jumping him where he stood. Duo grabbed Heero's shirt and pulled him back to his chair, "You can stay here! There's plenty of room! And it gets sooo lonely out here all alone! Please, it'll save you money!" p  
"I don't plan on staying on this colony too long." p  
"That's okay! Just stay till Quatre comes! Please Heero!" p  
He shook his head, "Duo, I-" p  
"You can borrow my clothes if you need some, we're the same size I bet! And I can cook, really I can! Please! Please! Please!" p  
The look of terror in those cobalt eyes nearly frightened Heero, "Is it really that important to you?" he asked. p  
Duo nodded vigorously. p  
"Well... I guess I could stay here. Just for tonight though." p  
Duo smiled and stood up, allowing Heero to do the same, "Great! Let me show you the guest room!" p  
hr/hrp   
Despite his promise to the braided boy, Heero stayed with him much longer than one night. He couldn't bring himself to leave the grinning baka. Especially not when the poor fool kept begging him. Did Duo have no pride in him at all? Heero watched as the rain drizzled down the windowpane. Duo's head peaked over his shoulder, the long chestnut braid falling to Heero's lap, "So much for flying kites," he noted with mocked disapproval, "Guess we have to stay indoors now." p  
"A little rain's never stopped me before," Duo said, straitening up and heading for the front door. p  
"Your not seriously going to fly a kite in this whether are you?" p  
His only reply was a wide cheerful grin. p  
"Do you have a death wish or something?" Heero asked. The boy before him went rigged, stopping dead in his tracks, "I just want to play in the rain, that's all." He turned and looked at Heero with saddened cobalt eyes, "Haven't you ever just wanted to play in the rain? Let the cool drops purify you?" he asked, twirling around with his arms in the air as if rain fell from the ceiling of the room. p  
Heero shook his head, "I can't say I have." p   
"Then join me! Everything is always more fun when the ground is slippery and muddy!" p  
"How old are you again?" Heero inquired reluctantly standing and following his friend out the door. The rain was hard and stung his skin at first, the stinging drops soaking through his clothing and into his skin. p  
"Isn't this great?" Duo shouted, rolling his head back to taste the falling rain. Heero did the same, remembering for a moment the other reason he had come to see Duo. With war at an end, life had become meaningless. He no longer had a mission or a cause. So he'd come to find the only person he could think of who he believed could remind him of what life was. Who could remind him of things like hot chocolate and rainstorms, things that, in their simplicity, made life fun. p  
Duo looked over at his friend and smiled. Heero looked like he just might be enjoying himself. IYou came all this way to see me.. and you don't even know…. /Ihe pushed away the thought and forced himself to smiled. p  
"Hey, Heero!" p  
The said boy turned his head, his wet hair plastered to his face, "Yeah?" p  
"Wanna see who can roll down the hill fastest?" p  
A hard look overcame Heero's face, "No." p  
"Come on! You can't play in the rain and not roll down a hill! It's in the rules!" p  
"Someone neglected to inform me of them." p  
"Heero, please! Don't make me look like an idiot all by myself!" p  
An unfeeling retort came to mind but Heero brushed it aside, not really wanting to be rude to the boy. Duo walked over to him and placed a warm hand on his shoulders, "I understand, buddy. Your chickening out cause you don't want to loose to me. I got ya." p  
"I'm not-" Heero froze as he got a good look at the braided baka's face, all alight with mischief. Too late though. Heero cursed at the boy as Duo tackled him to the ground, sending them both rolling end over end down the wet hill. Duo, on the other hand, laughed. When at last they reached the bottom, they were both drenched and covered in mud. p  
"Duo, you.. you.." p  
"What a ride, ne?" Duo asked, rolling onto his back, stretching his arms and legs out in the grass. Heero watched his friend lay there, laughing at the sky, and found it hard not to do the same. The sound, foreign to both ears, startled the American to say the least. p  
"Heero Yuy... is laughing!" he shouted, doubling over again in his own fits, "I thought I'd never live to see the day!" p  
Heero ignored him and continued to enjoy himself, his hands grasping the cool earth below him and digging into the soft mud. "You do this kind of stuff often, Duo?" he asked, feeling a little light headed. p  
The boy nodded, "As often as I can. Colonies only synthesize bad whether days when it's needed, and even then, they are centralized over only specific areas. It's not like back on Earth, but then again, I didn't get to spend all that much time there. Perhaps I should have visited one more time." p   
"There's plenty of time to visit." Heero pointed out, "It's just a matter of making plans and arrangements." p  
Duo's smile fell to a hopeless grin, "Yeah... You're right. Maybe some day then, I'll go back." p  
There was something different in Duo's voice but Heero passed it off and went back to studying the rain. p   
"Duo," p  
"Hm?" p  
"What makes this... fun?" p  
Duo propped himself up on one elbow and sighed, "I don't know. It just is. It's different and rare and at the same time, beautiful. Ya can't help but enjoy it." He turned and looked at his friend with a weary smile, "I can tell ya one thing thought, having someone around makes things a lot more fun." p  
Heero closed his eyes, "Why?" p  
"It's an experience you can share, reminisce about, talk about. Some things just aren't worth doing if there isn't anyone else around." p  
"Like rolling down a hill?" p  
Duo nodded, "Like rolling down a hill." p   
Silence claimed the two as the rain continued to pour. p  
"Heero." p  
"Hm?" p  
"Do you know what it's like to wake up, knowing everything you do will never be recognized and is meaningless to even accomplish." p  
Heero opened his eyes, "All to well." p  
"Then stay with me for a while longer. Share some memories with me so that I know at least some of my time hasn't gone to waste." p  
Heero shook his head. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't stay much longer. He had a job to do, meaningless as it was to him. "I have responsibilities. I just wanted to come by and say hello." p  
Duo rolled back onto his back, closing his eyes to shield them from the falling rain. IAt least in the rain, no one can tell the dampness on your cheeks are tears/I, he thought. "Heero, when you leave, will you remember all this?" p  
He nodded, "I came here to have fun, and I did. Thank you." p  
Duo clamped his eyes tightly, "Will you always remember me this way? Fun and happy?" p  
How odd these questions were becoming, "Of course I will. I've never known you to be otherwise. What's your point, Duo?" p  
He swallowed hard, dreading words he knew he couldn't stop and a truth he couldn't defy, "Heero... I'm dying." p 


	2. Promise

center.:promise:.  
p  
/center  
IHeero... I'm dying./I the words echoed through the stillness, there meaning lost to the Japanese ex-pilot who lay in the grass, "What are you talking about?" he asked, passing the statement off as a bad joke. p  
"I'm sick and I'm not going to get better. I'm dying, Heero." p  
Heero rolled onto his side and glared at him, "Your not funny." p  
"I'm not trying to be." Duo took a deep breath, "It's the real reason why Quatre is coming here to visit me. I called him a few weeks ago to pass along the news I got from my doctors. We both tried to locate you and the others but you were always on duty somewhere and God only knows where Trowa and Wufei have gone off. I wanted to see you all again, ya know, one last time. You're the only family I've got." p  
IThis can't be real. Duo can't die. He has so much life in him. Death can't die./I Heero's thoughts blanketed his mind in shadows, a frantic terror held deep behind his cold and unmoving eyes, "How long do you have?" the voice was detached, almost machine like. p  
Duo opened his eyes and rolled his head to the side, looking at his friend with red eyes, "They say a month at most. I don't by that thought. What they really mean is that I've got two to three weeks of living, and one or two of lying in bed, waiting to die. What a lousy way to go, ne? No blaze of glory as Deathscythe and I self-destruct and take a sector of mobile dolls with us, no heroics, just drifting off into an endless slumber." he stood up, shaking he droplets of water from his bangs, "We should probably be heading back. I've still got chores to do and lunch is in no way ready. Unless you want to be eating cereal, I suggest you get up too." p  
The change in attitude was astounding. One minute the braided boy was telling him he was going to die and in the next, he was worried about chores and meals. p  
"Are you lying to me?" p  
"I'm dead serious. You don't get off your soaking wet ass and get up to the house your going to be eating Captain Crunch." p  
Heero stood, his prussian eyes narrowed into a scornful glare, "You know what I mean. Are you just telling me this as an excuse to keep me here longer?" p  
Duo took off up the hill with short strides, watching out for patches of mud on which he might sip, "I learned a long time ago the difference between an excuse and a reason. I want you to stay here, Heero. I don't want to die alone in that house, have my last days pass without a memory to share with anyone. You know that philosophical question about the tree falling in the woods, right?" p  
Heero shook his head, "What about it?" p  
"It goes like this; If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound." p  
"Yes." p  
"But how can you be sure?" p  
"Duo-" p  
"Listen to me, Heero!" Duo interrupted neither stopping nor slowing in his incline towards the house, "Forget about hearing the tree an just listen to me. What I was trying to get at was that if between now and my death, if no one is around to see me live, whose to say I did? I don't mean live as in to be alive, but to have made the best of my time, to have not just given in to the inevitable and carried on. I don't want to fade away into nothing. I want to have meant something to somebody. Like now. With you." p  
Heero listened, his senses numb, "I thought that was why Quatre was coming here." p  
Duo shook his head, "It's different with Quatre." p  
"How so?" p  
A kind smile crept upon the heart shaped face, "Quatre's coming here out of concern. He feels a need to be here because he is my friend. But you.. you came here on you own, without an excuse.. just to see me." he sighed and kicked at a rock buried deep in the mud, "With you, I know I can make a difference too. There are so many things in life that you havn't learned to appreciate and I know I'm just the guy to remind you what it's like to live." He turned his head to smile at his friend but stopped suddenly, and stared out behind him. p  
"Duo?" p  
The American reached out for Heero's shoulders and turned him around to face the hill. A long ribbon of colored light hung in the sky, radiant against the grey-blue background, "For instance, bet you never sat back and enjoyed a rainbow before." p  
Heero stared in awe, "No... not in a long time." p  
Duo smiled, quite pleased with himself, "You know, a rainbow is the symbol of one of Gods greatest promises." p  
"Really," Heero turned back and started towards the house once more, "Your just full of useless information, aren't you." p  
"Heero?" p  
He turned his head at the sound of his name, "Hm?" p   
"Promise me you'll stay. I'll do anything." p  
IAnything? Then don't die../I."Duo, I...." he sighed, "I'll stay as long as I can. I can't promise any more than that." p  
Duo caught up with him and laid a warm hand on his shoulder, "I can accept that. Thank you, buddy. It really does mean a lot to me. So, tomato soup or chicken?" p  
IYou just told me you were dying... are you completely insane or are you just trying to make me feel better with that smile of yours? /Ip  
"I don't want to be an inconvenience. I'll make lunch if you want." p  
"Whoa, hold it, Yuy" Duo stood in front of the door, his arms pushing against the frame, "Let's get one thing straight before we put this all behind us, okay? I don't want you to treat me differently, you got that? No special treatment. I may be dying but I'm not incapable of doing things for myself or others. I'm no different from the Duo Maxwell you were playing in the rain with a few minutes ago. So don't treat me that way." p  
Heero raised an inquisitive eyebrow, "No special treatment?" with that, he grabbed Duo by his arms and tossed him over his back and into the lawn behind him. The grass and mud broke his fall but the sheer surprise of the event cause the air to be forced from the young mans lungs, "Oi -cough- Heero! That doesn't mean -cough- you -cough- can pull that shit!" p  
Heero sneered and pulled the door open, walking immediately towards the bathroom, "I need a hot shower. Call me when lunch is ready." p  
"Hai, Heero. Just put your wet -cough- cloths in the hamper outside the door so I can put the in laundry." p  
Heero nodded and closed the bathroom door. He turned the water on and watched the slow currents bead against the cold porcelain surface of the tub. Heero stripped down to nothing and placed his soaked clothing in the hamper by the door as he'd been instructed to do. IDuo can't be dying./I The thought raced through his mind, leaving painful pressure throughout his scull. It just wasn't possible though. Duo was only in his twenties, the war was over, they had all survived… barely. They'd fought side by side and in some cases even fought each other. But they had still survived. How could one of them die now? Let alone the one of them who truly knew what it was like to live. The warm steam fogged the mirrors and filled his lungs with soothing vapor. The warm water felt wonderful, a dividing contrast between the icy chill in his heart.I At least in the shower, no one can tell the dampness on your cheeks are tears. /I  
p  
hr/hr  
p  
  
Quatre arrived a few days later, bags of gifts and luggage seeming to sprout from his body. He put down the heavy bags and knocked at the door, trying to keep back tears he promised himself he wouldn't shed. The door opened but instead of the bright and cheerful American he had expected, a dark and brooding Heero Yuy stood before him. p  
"Heero! It's great to see you! Where's Duo? Is he well?" The words flowed like a train from his lips, each one following the other in rapid succession. Heero gathered what he could from it and helped Quatre inside, "Duo's fine. He's watching TV right now. We weren't expecting you till tomorrow." p  
"I couldn't wait any longer. I've been so worried." p  
Heero nodded, "I bet you have." He took the bags and heaved them into the guestroom across the hall from his own, the bags sagging deeply into the worn matrices, "Duo said he wanted you to have this room." p  
Quatre looked around the room with surprise written all over his face. It was beautiful. Every wall was littered with pictures of the five of them, hang out like normal kids would, having fun. p  
"He thought you might appreciate this room more than others." p  
Quatre felt his crystal eyes well up, "It's wonderful." He reached out with trembling hands and took from the wall a framed picture, smiling down at the image. Duo was always such a ham. As always and as could be expected, Heero stood beside him, a scornful look on his face. What an unlikely pair of friends, Quatre thought. He was there too, of course. Right along Trowa, his best friend. Funny how they'd all grown apart. Wufei stood in the back, almost lost and separated from the group. Quatre remembered this picture. It was the last time they had all been together, and if something didn't happen fast, maybe the last. Whether by play of imagination or the glare from the lights, the image of Duo suddenly vanished from the scene. It was devastating to see only the four, subdued faces of himself and friends behind the glass in the frame. Somehow, without Duo's cheeky smile, it just wasn't complete. He placed the photo back on the wall, pleased to note it had returned to its original form. He turned to see Heero still standing in the room, a forlorn look in his eyes that betrayed this stony expression. p  
"Where's Duo?" Quatre asked again, forcing himself to smile. p  
Heero gestured down the hall with his hand, eyes transfixed on the faces on the walls. Quatre nodded in appreciation and stepped quickly from the room, "Duo? Oi, Duo? I'm here!" p  
"Quatre!" came a cheery reply. Duo sprang from his seat at the couch, his fingers quickly finding the mute button on the remote, "I'm over here, buddy!" p  
The small blonde jogged joyfully into the room and wrapped his arms around his friend, "Duo! You look great! I thought.. I feared… I-" p  
Duo noticed the red tint to his friends eyes and gave him a reassuring squeeze, "Hey, Quatre, don't look so down!" he pulled away from the embrace and smiled winningly, "I'm fine. I'm glad you made it here all right. I wasn't planning on seeing you till tomorrow though! I would have cleaned up." p  
"So Heero told me. How have thing been sense we last spoke?" p  
Duo seemed to come alive with renewed interest, "Man, you wouldn't believe it! We've had so much fun over these past few days." p  
"Did you tell him?" p  
"Yea. I got to thinking about what you said. You're right. If I didn't tell him, he'd probably hate me for it, especially knowing that he'd just seen me a few weeks prior. It's better he knows. This way, I at least have two of my best pals to keep me company!" p  
Quatre's crystal eyes watered, "Still can't find the other, huh?" p  
Duo shook his head, plopping back down onto his favorite seat, "I've all but given up on them. I've traced just about every circus rout from here to earth and back and my search for a freelance Chinese mercenary hasn't come up with much either." p  
Quatre nodded, seating himself down on one of the bright blue chairs, "So… you and Heero been having a good time?" p  
"The best!" Duo practically leapt from his seat, "Have you ever heard him laugh? I mean, really laugh? Not that twisted battle laugh but a real genuine one?" p  
The Arabian shook his head. p  
"It's amazing to think such a cold person could make such a beautiful sound! I never thought I'd live to see the day." p  
IYou wouldn't have if Heero hadn't shown up that day./I Quatre thought, fighting his tears once again, "If Heero showed up unexpectedly, then maybe the others will too." p  
"We can hope," Duo folded his arms behind his head and starred at the starry ceiling above, "And we can pray." p  
Heero stepped into the room, his footsteps echoing in the silence of the room, "Duo, I have to go now." p  
Duo sat up straight, betrayal written across his face, "Your… your leaving? Now?" p  
Heero nodded, a slow incline of his head, "I promised you I would stay as long as I could and I have." p  
"I know.. but I thought that maybe… that…" p  
"I'm sorry, Duo," The Japanese man shook his head, his dark brown hair falling before his eyes like the curtain of a stage, "I have to go." Having brought nothing with him, Heero walked immediately to the door. Duo quickly followed him, "You'll be back though, won't you?" p  
IBack for what? To watch you die? To watch you as that light in your eyes dims and fades away? /I"We'll see." p  
"Heero! Please, promise me you'll be back!" p  
Heero kept his back to his friend, fearing he may loose his courage if he turned and looked into those hurt filled eyes, "I can't do that. Gomen ne, Duo. We'll see." p  
"Wait, Heero! Heero!" p  
The man walked on, not bothering to turn nor reply. Duo watched his back as he left him again. IHow long will you be gone this time, Heero? Will I be here when you return? /Ip  
Quatre pulled at Duo's arm, beckoning him to come back within the house, "Come on, Duo. He'll be back. I know it. You look like crap, let me make you some soup or something, all right?" p  
Duo nodded, absently fiddling with the end of his braid, his gaze still transfixed on the form of his friend traveling into the distance, II have faith in you, Heero Yuy. You'll be back. I know it. You'll come back. With no better purpose than to just be with me. /I 


	3. Memory

center.:memory:.  
p  
/center  
Quatre rubbed a glass dry and placed it in the cupboard above the sink. It hadn't taken long for him to get accustomed to the boy's kitchen and now it seemed a second home to him. Despite Duo's relentless pleas to "just let him do something to help", Quatre had sent him away to have fun, get out of the house. Duo would be Duo though. Stubborn and hard headed. If he couldn't help in the house, he'd help in the yard. Quatre watched through the kitchen window as the braided boy pulled out an equally stubborn weed and was thrown back into the grass by his efforts. He laughed at himself, holding his prize high in the air before discarding it into the basket he had brought out with him. By the looks of it, the weeds had the advantage in this struggle, outrageously outnumbering the American. Duo smiled evilly and grabbed hold of his gardening shovel. p  
"Shinigami has come to thresh the fields. Beware his trusty scythe!" he shouted, swinging the hand held tool and plunging it deeply into the root system of yet another weed, "Ha, the God of Death has claimed yet another victim!" He pushed down on the handle of the small shovel, sending the green plant into the sky, raining dirt over him and landing promptly into the basket. His eyes widened and he cast his gaze to the window looking into the house from which he knew his friend was watching him. p  
"Ya see that, Quatre? What are the odds of that happening?" he shouted, wiping at his face and unconsciously smearing only more dirt onto the smooth skin. p  
Quatre smiled and nodded, "I don't know but I guarantee you can't do it again." p  
Duo laughed at the challenge, "You're on!" p  
The smile on Quatre's lips faded, ITake it easy, Duo. You'll wear yourself out if you keep this up./I he sighed, rinsing off more dishes, IThen again, make use of the time you've got./I His gaze fell to the counter top and from there, the picture frame sitting there. He'd moved it out of his room and into the kitchen to brighten up the black room, the yellow frame acting as the sun to the star painted surroundings. It was his favorite picture by far of any he'd seen taken with his friends, despite being black and white. It had been a candid shot, taken by some wide-eyed girl for the school yearbook. Heero, being Heero, had of course threatened her with an effective, "Omae o korosu" and received the whole roll of film. Quatre hadn't ever really thought about what had happened to it, but having seen it on the wall a few days ago, brought back so many happy memories. They had been relaxing on the school roof, unoccupied with extracurricular work and just meeting together for old time's sake. For the heir to the Winner enterprises though, there was no free time. He'd of course brought a book to read while the others spoke of daily rituals and girls they had met since enrollment. He remembered Trowa leaning over slightly, reading over his shoulder some of the words on the page. p  
"Physics?" p  
Quatre nodded, "My sister said it would help me better understand the mechanics of the business." p  
"Mechanics? Hell, you work a Gundam! What more do you need to know that can't be learned from its systems?" Duo shouted, leaning out over the railing. p  
Heero gripped him by the shoulder and pulled him away from the edge, "You want to fall off the roof?" p  
A stupid question. Duo smiled, "Yea, sure, why not. Always wanted to test the rules and see if the great Shinigami could fly." p  
Heero grunted scornfully and turned away from the pilot, "Grow up." p  
Wufei smirked at this, "Perhaps it is you, Yuy, who need to change. " p  
"That's what I'm saying!" Duo remarked before Heero could reprimand the Chinese boy, "You're way to mature for your own good! Ya need to loosen up! I tell ya what, pal, one of these days you're going to be sorry you grew up so fast." He leaned one arm against his friend's shoulder, "But the day that happens, remember you've always got me to remind ya how to be a kid again." p  
Heero turned his face away, just in time to see the shutter close on a camera, it's flash lost in the daylight. Quatre smiled at the picture. There they stood, locked forever in a single moment in time. It wasn't posed or practiced like the other photos on the walls, it wasn't the best photography either but it captured each and every one of them at peace, relaxed and natural. This is how he wanted to remember them. Trowa with his expressive eyes looking off into nothing yet deliberate and sure. Wufei looking calm and in control, an inner peace settled across his features. Duo.. well… there never was a moment he didn't look happy, but a look of importance almost hung above him, evident in his stance and boldness to lean so on the stern Heero. Ah, now there was a face unlike any of the others. If Quatre didn't know better, he could have sworn that was regret in those prussian beauties as a small, almost invisible smile laced itself across his face. p  
"Hey, Quatre!" p  
The Arabian jumped, not expecting to hear his name shouted across the room. He turned slowly and chuckled at the sight of Duo, drenched and dirty, standing in the kitchen with a puddle forming at his feet. p   
"Oh, Duo. I hadn't realized it was raining again." p  
"I wasn't," Duo blushed slightly, an embarrassed look on his heart-shaped face, "I, uh, had some trouble with the hose." p  
Quatre shook his head in dismay, "Only you could accomplish that, Duo. Only you, " he turned back to his neglected dish work, "Now hurry up and get out of the wet things before you catch your death." He remarked absently. At hearing his own words, he gasped, turning back with a furry of crimson at his own cheeks. p  
Duo merely smiled at him, disregarding any unintended cruelty, "You're a funny man," he remarked, waving good-bye as he headed off towards his room, squishing and squashing down the hall. p  
hr/hrp  
  
I"About a month… please, don't leave me… I don't want to die alone… will you always remember me this way? Happy and fun?… please, Heero! Heero! /Ip  
Sweat clung to his body as Heero tossed in his sleep, sheets twisting about his legs as he struggled to free himself from those bright cobalt eyes' stare. IDying/I. pDuo leaned against a tall dark tree, one arm clutching the golden cross that hung from his pale neck and glistened in the evening light. His eyes acted as mirrors, reflecting everything his smiling face would not betray. Fear, sadness, regret. Heero blinked and turned his head but the eyes still bore into him, impressed upon the inner lids of his own. With his free hand, Duo reached out to him, "Please Heero.. don't leave me to die alone. Please. Promise me." p  
As if on its own accord, Heero's hand raised to touch, to grasp the pale fingers stretched out before him. Duo's smile brightened, faith and hope radiating from him, then faded as Heero drew away again. p  
"No, Duo. I can't make you any more promises. I don't want to hurt you when I can't keep true to them. I don't want you to hate me but I don't want you to care either. I'm not your friend. Forget me." p  
Duo fell back against the tree, "You will always be my friend. I can't forget. Never. I ask for nothing from you. You and the others were always my friends, unconditionally. But.I guess… I guess I shouldn't have hoped. Why would anyone want to be friends with Shinigami. Death has no friends. It only keeps company." His mouth fell into a thin line, an uncharacteristically serious face befalling him. Heero remained standing above him, one hand almost daring to touch the lost boy's shoulder, to add reassurance to the situation. p IUnconditionaly. There is no such thing. Humans are greedy beings who want only for themselves. Your hope was a lie. You've given your life and love to everyone without return with the false hope that someone would do for you what you had bestowed upon them. The world doesn't work that way, not the real world. So what did you get in return, Shinigami? Even your so-called friends have left you to die. Neither concern nor duty bring them back, so why do you wait? Why do you stand there still, looking at me with those eyes? Because you still have faith in us. No matter how many times we kick you out, you get back up and wait at the door. Damn you. Why can't you just turn your back to us? What makes us so deserving? Damn you, /IHeero paused, eyes closed in thought, I…and Damn me for caring. /Ip  
"Duo, I-" Terror. He's gone. Heero walked once around the tree and scanned the foliage above to no avail. Gone. A soft clink, like that of a chain, turned his attention to the ground. There, pooled at the base of the tree, was the golden cross Duo loved so dearly. Where was that braided fool? How reckless to just leave such a treasure behind for any beggar to find and pawn off. Heero knelt down and tried to grasp it but it didn't budge, it's light mass clinging on to the ground below. Prussian eyes focused on the cross as it changed, almost instantly, into a stone pillar, its shape the only constant. A tombstone. Heero's hands began to shake as the brushed against the cold surface. Engraved on its face was a simple message, no more elaborate than that of any other Heero had ever encountered on the battlefield. p  
"In memory of the Gundam pilot Zero-Two who fought for our standing peace" p  
INo name. /IHeero noticed, his eyes transfixed on the marker. IIt's as if all he existed for was the war. No mention of friends, that devil-may-care personality and smile, not even a name for God's sake. Just a number. Is that all he was? A number? A pilot? A soldier? /IHe stood, unable to see any more. At the very least, he deserved a name, his name. Duo Maxwell. Anything but the faceless title Zero-Two. As Heero stood, he noticed another marker. He didn't need to get closer to read its inscription. The chill originating in his chest traveled down his spine like a parade of ants. p  
"In memory of the Gundam pilot Zero-Three who fought for our standing peace" p  
IWhat?!/I Heero stepped back, his legs threatening to tumble out from beneath him. Then suddenly, they did. Heero found himself falling, backwards over yet another stone pillar, the same shape and size as the others. His eyes fixed on the headstone and froze. IIn memory of.. Zero-One…/I Five tombstones, single file and chronologically ordered, One through Five, each no different from the next. IWhat… what dose this all mean?/I p  
With a short gasp, Heero launched himself forward in bed, assuming a sitting position immediately. His hands clawed at the fabric about him, eyes wide with understanding and fear. IThat dream… I understand…/I. He threw his legs off the side of the bed and stood, marching immediately to his desk and turning on his laptop. Soon, the soft green glow engulfed the blackness in his room, shedding an eerie light over everything contained in it. It had been nearly two weeks since he had left the house of the hill and it's cheerful occupant. The dreams, or rather dream, had begun soon after. It never changed but it never ceased to surprise him. No matter how many times Duo disappeared, no matter how many times his crucifix became his tombstone, no mater how many times he read that cursed inscription, it still surprised him, leaving him wide awake and curious as to it's meanings. Part of him wanted to believe it was a sign of Duo's failing health and the urgency of his return to him. The stronger whole though cast it away, believing more in the mission at hand than dreams and signs. For the first time since the dreams had begun though, it made sense. Frightening sense. p II know what you're trying to tell me now. It's us. The whole damn universe knows of us but the only ones who really know us are ourselves. We are all we have. That's why Duo cares so much, why he waits for us unconditionally. We are all he's got and he knows it's the same for us./I pHeero gazed at the monitor of his laptop, eyes squinting against morning vision. Thee words were blurry and illegible. He turned his head and viewed the small digital clock on the bedside table. Too early for work and too late for sleep. Not that he was in any hurry to revisit his dream world. He looked at his left palm and traced the thin scar there with his eyes. IOur dream../I. With few hours of darkness left, Heero rested his head against his arms and thought back to a happier time when such dreams did not exist. A single day from his memories came back, everything about it so vivid and perfect. He would always remember how on this day, the rain had sounded like laughter and tasted of tears.   
  
  
IHeero... I'm dying./I the words echoed through the stillness, there meaning lost to the Japanese ex-pilot who lay in the grass, "What are you talking about?" he asked, passing the statement off as a bad joke. p  
"I'm sick and I'm not going to get better. I'm dying, Heero." p  
Heero rolled onto his side and glared at him, "Your not funny." p  
"I'm not trying to be." Duo took a deep breath, "It's the real reason why Quatre is coming here to visit me. I called him a few weeks ago to pass along the news I got from my doctors. We both tried to locate you and the others but you were always on duty somewhere and God only knows where Trowa and Wufei have gone off. I wanted to see you all again, ya know, one last time. You're the only family I've got." p  
IThis can't be real. Duo can't die. He has so much life in him. Death can't die./I Heero's thoughts blanketed his mind in shadows, a frantic terror held deep behind his cold and unmoving eyes, "How long do you have?" the voice was detached, almost machine like. p  
Duo opened his eyes and rolled his head to the side, looking at his friend with red eyes, "They say a month at most. I don't by that thought. What they really mean is that I've got two to three weeks of living, and one or two of lying in bed, waiting to die. What a lousy way to go, ne? No blaze of glory as Deathscythe and I self-destruct and take a sector of mobile dolls with us, no heroics, just drifting off into an endless slumber." he stood up, shaking he droplets of water from his bangs, "We should probably be heading back. I've still got chores to do and lunch is in no way ready. Unless you want to be eating cereal, I suggest you get up too." p  
The change in attitude was astounding. One minute the braided boy was telling him he was going to die and in the next, he was worried about chores and meals. p  
"Are you lying to me?" p  
"I'm dead serious. You don't get off your soaking wet ass and get up to the house your going to be eating Captain Crunch." p  
Heero stood, his prussian eyes narrowed into a scornful glare, "You know what I mean. Are you just telling me this as an excuse to keep me here longer?" p  
Duo took off up the hill with short strides, watching out for patches of mud on which he might sip, "I learned a long time ago the difference between an excuse and a reason. I want you to stay here, Heero. I don't want to die alone in that house, have my last days pass without a memory to share with anyone. You know that philosophical question about the tree falling in the woods, right?" p  
Heero shook his head, "What about it?" p  
"It goes like this; If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound." p  
"Yes." p  
"But how can you be sure?" p  
"Duo-" p  
"Listen to me, Heero!" Duo interrupted neither stopping nor slowing in his incline towards the house, "Forget about hearing the tree an just listen to me. What I was trying to get at was that if between now and my death, if no one is around to see me live, whose to say I did? I don't mean live as in to be alive, but to have made the best of my time, to have not just given in to the inevitable and carried on. I don't want to fade away into nothing. I want to have meant something to somebody. Like now. With you." p  
Heero listened, his senses numb, "I thought that was why Quatre was coming here." p  
Duo shook his head, "It's different with Quatre." p  
"How so?" p  
A kind smile crept upon the heart shaped face, "Quatre's coming here out of concern. He feels a need to be here because he is my friend. But you.. you came here on you own, without an excuse.. just to see me." he sighed and kicked at a rock buried deep in the mud, "With you, I know I can make a difference too. There are so many things in life that you havn't learned to appreciate and I know I'm just the guy to remind you what it's like to live." He turned his head to smile at his friend but stopped suddenly, and stared out behind him. p  
"Duo?" p  
The American reached out for Heero's shoulders and turned him around to face the hill. A long ribbon of colored light hung in the sky, radiant against the grey-blue background, "For instance, bet you never sat back and enjoyed a rainbow before." p  
Heero stared in awe, "No... not in a long time." p  
Duo smiled, quite pleased with himself, "You know, a rainbow is the symbol of one of Gods greatest promises." p  
"Really," Heero turned back and started towards the house once more, "Your just full of useless information, aren't you." p  
"Heero?" p  
He turned his head at the sound of his name, "Hm?" p   
"Promise me you'll stay. I'll do anything." p  
IAnything? Then don't die../I."Duo, I...." he sighed, "I'll stay as long as I can. I can't promise any more than that." p  
Duo caught up with him and laid a warm hand on his shoulder, "I can accept that. Thank you, buddy. It really does mean a lot to me. So, tomato soup or chicken?" p  
IYou just told me you were dying... are you completely insane or are you just trying to make me feel better with that smile of yours? /Ip  
"I don't want to be an inconvenience. I'll make lunch if you want." p  
"Whoa, hold it, Yuy" Duo stood in front of the door, his arms pushing against the frame, "Let's get one thing straight before we put this all behind us, okay? I don't want you to treat me differently, you got that? No special treatment. I may be dying but I'm not incapable of doing things for myself or others. I'm no different from the Duo Maxwell you were playing in the rain with a few minutes ago. So don't treat me that way." p  
Heero raised an inquisitive eyebrow, "No special treatment?" with that, he grabbed Duo by his arms and tossed him over his back and into the lawn behind him. The grass and mud broke his fall but the sheer surprise of the event cause the air to be forced from the young mans lungs, "Oi -cough- Heero! That doesn't mean -cough- you -cough- can pull that shit!" p  
Heero sneered and pulled the door open, walking immediately towards the bathroom, "I need a hot shower. Call me when lunch is ready." p  
"Hai, Heero. Just put your wet -cough- cloths in the hamper outside the door so I can put the in laundry." p  
Heero nodded and closed the bathroom door. He turned the water on and watched the slow currents bead against the cold porcelain surface of the tub. Heero stripped down to nothing and placed his soaked clothing in the hamper by the door as he'd been instructed to do. IDuo can't be dying./I The thought raced through his mind, leaving painful pressure throughout his scull. It just wasn't possible though. Duo was only in his twenties, the war was over, they had all survived… barely. They'd fought side by side and in some cases even fought each other. But they had still survived. How could one of them die now? Let alone the one of them who truly knew what it was like to live. The warm steam fogged the mirrors and filled his lungs with soothing vapor. The warm water felt wonderful, a dividing contrast between the icy chill in his heart.I At least in the shower, no one can tell the dampness on your cheeks are tears. /I  
p  
hr/hr  
p  
  
Quatre arrived a few days later, bags of gifts and luggage seeming to sprout from his body. He put down the heavy bags and knocked at the door, trying to keep back tears he promised himself he wouldn't shed. The door opened but instead of the bright and cheerful American he had expected, a dark and brooding Heero Yuy stood before him. p  
"Heero! It's great to see you! Where's Duo? Is he well?" The words flowed like a train from his lips, each one following the other in rapid succession. Heero gathered what he could from it and helped Quatre inside, "Duo's fine. He's watching TV right now. We weren't expecting you till tomorrow." p  
"I couldn't wait any longer. I've been so worried." p  
Heero nodded, "I bet you have." He took the bags and heaved them into the guestroom across the hall from his own, the bags sagging deeply into the worn matrices, "Duo said he wanted you to have this room." p  
Quatre looked around the room with surprise written all over his face. It was beautiful. Every wall was littered with pictures of the five of them, hang out like normal kids would, having fun. p  
"He thought you might appreciate this room more than others." p  
Quatre felt his crystal eyes well up, "It's wonderful." He reached out with trembling hands and took from the wall a framed picture, smiling down at the image. Duo was always such a ham. As always and as could be expected, Heero stood beside him, a scornful look on his face. What an unlikely pair of friends, Quatre thought. He was there too, of course. Right along Trowa, his best friend. Funny how they'd all grown apart. Wufei stood in the back, almost lost and separated from the group. Quatre remembered this picture. It was the last time they had all been together, and if something didn't happen fast, maybe the last. Whether by play of imagination or the glare from the lights, the image of Duo suddenly vanished from the scene. It was devastating to see only the four, subdued faces of himself and friends behind the glass in the frame. Somehow, without Duo's cheeky smile, it just wasn't complete. He placed the photo back on the wall, pleased to note it had returned to its original form. He turned to see Heero still standing in the room, a forlorn look in his eyes that betrayed this stony expression. p  
"Where's Duo?" Quatre asked again, forcing himself to smile. p  
Heero gestured down the hall with his hand, eyes transfixed on the faces on the walls. Quatre nodded in appreciation and stepped quickly from the room, "Duo? Oi, Duo? I'm here!" p  
"Quatre!" came a cheery reply. Duo sprang from his seat at the couch, his fingers quickly finding the mute button on the remote, "I'm over here, buddy!" p  
The small blonde jogged joyfully into the room and wrapped his arms around his friend, "Duo! You look great! I thought.. I feared… I-" p  
Duo noticed the red tint to his friends eyes and gave him a reassuring squeeze, "Hey, Quatre, don't look so down!" he pulled away from the embrace and smiled winningly, "I'm fine. I'm glad you made it here all right. I wasn't planning on seeing you till tomorrow though! I would have cleaned up." p  
"So Heero told me. How have thing been sense we last spoke?" p  
Duo seemed to come alive with renewed interest, "Man, you wouldn't believe it! We've had so much fun over these past few days." p  
"Did you tell him?" p  
"Yea. I got to thinking about what you said. You're right. If I didn't tell him, he'd probably hate me for it, especially knowing that he'd just seen me a few weeks prior. It's better he knows. This way, I at least have two of my best pals to keep me company!" p  
Quatre's crystal eyes watered, "Still can't find the other, huh?" p  
Duo shook his head, plopping back down onto his favorite seat, "I've all but given up on them. I've traced just about every circus rout from here to earth and back and my search for a freelance Chinese mercenary hasn't come up with much either." p  
Quatre nodded, seating himself down on one of the bright blue chairs, "So… you and Heero been having a good time?" p  
"The best!" Duo practically leapt from his seat, "Have you ever heard him laugh? I mean, really laugh? Not that twisted battle laugh but a real genuine one?" p  
The Arabian shook his head. p  
"It's amazing to think such a cold person could make such a beautiful sound! I never thought I'd live to see the day." p  
IYou wouldn't have if Heero hadn't shown up that day./I Quatre thought, fighting his tears once again, "If Heero showed up unexpectedly, then maybe the others will too." p  
"We can hope," Duo folded his arms behind his head and starred at the starry ceiling above, "And we can pray." p  
Heero stepped into the room, his footsteps echoing in the silence of the room, "Duo, I have to go now." p  
Duo sat up straight, betrayal written across his face, "Your… your leaving? Now?" p  
Heero nodded, a slow incline of his head, "I promised you I would stay as long as I could and I have." p  
"I know.. but I thought that maybe… that…" p  
"I'm sorry, Duo," The Japanese man shook his head, his dark brown hair falling before his eyes like the curtain of a stage, "I have to go." Having brought nothing with him, Heero walked immediately to the door. Duo quickly followed him, "You'll be back though, won't you?" p  
IBack for what? To watch you die? To watch you as that light in your eyes dims and fades away? /I"We'll see." p  
"Heero! Please, promise me you'll be back!" p  
Heero kept his back to his friend, fearing he may loose his courage if he turned and looked into those hurt filled eyes, "I can't do that. Gomen ne, Duo. We'll see." p  
"Wait, Heero! Heero!" p  
The man walked on, not bothering to turn nor reply. Duo watched his back as he left him again. IHow long will you be gone this time, Heero? Will I be here when you return? /Ip  
Quatre pulled at Duo's arm, beckoning him to come back within the house, "Come on, Duo. He'll be back. I know it. You look like crap, let me make you some soup or something, all right?" p  
Duo nodded, absently fiddling with the end of his braid, his gaze still transfixed on the form of his friend traveling into the distance, II have faith in you, Heero Yuy. You'll be back. I know it. You'll come back. With no better purpose than to just be with me. /I 


	4. Dream

# Dreams

### Part Four of Regret

*.oO@Oo.* 

"This sucks!" 

Duo buried his face in his pillow, pounding the matrice with closed fists. Tears brimmed his eyes but his resolve wouldn't let them fall. _ I will not cry. Boys don't cry. I can do this. I have to be able to stand this degree of pain._ Feeling more assured, Duo rolled over to face the black abyss outside his window. _ Huh.. even the stars won't shine for me._ He reached out with one hand and grabbed the end of his braid, lacing his fingers through the chestnut strands. His body shriveled in pain, such of which sleep could not deprive him of. The effects of the pain killers he'd been prescribed were dying off. Dying. What a bitch. _ If I had just stayed asleep for four more hours. I can't take another pill till morning. Ahrg.. damnit! It hurts!_ His head rolled to the side, taking in view the bedside table, a small bottle of white pills standing there next to an lukewarm glass of water. _One before each meal and one before bed_ he recalled, _What about for extreme emergencies? If you think about it, what harm could another pain killer do? The worst thing that could happen would be for it to kill me. No change in plans there._ He reached out with his free hand and grasped the bottle in his clammy hands, "Your net exactly doing me any good in that bottle, are you? Come to think of it, your not exactly doing anything. You can't prolong my life, all you can do is make it easier. At what price though. You not only take away the pain, you take away my spirit and energy. For the past two days all I've been able to do is move from here to the kitchen. You make me grumpy, depressed… hell the effects are even warning down on Quatre! About the only time I feel like me is between doses." Another wave of pain tore threw him, his fingers digging deeply into his own palms, _But without you, there's so much pain. God… why dose it have to hurt so much?!_

"Damnit, what's the use? I always said I didn't want to just lie around and wait for death… so what the hell am I doing?" he looked at the bottle in his hand again, "I could end it all now if I wanted. No more pain, no more waiting and no more needing you. It's not like anyone would care. Heero made that crystal clear." He popped the top of the prescription case and sat up, pouring and handful of pills into his hand, "Why couldn't you just stay here with me, Heero? Was it that much to ask for? I had faith in you. I thought we were best friends." _I love you….._ Shaking his head free of all thought, he reached out for the glass of water, "I guess all dreamers have to wake up someday. It was some dream though, ne Heero? Sure wish we could have shared it. See ya in hell, Heero." 

FLASH~ 

"Heero, why do you fight?" 

Heero rolled over in his bed to stair at the fifteen-year old boy sleeping on the other side of the room, "Go to sleep, Dou. I mean it." 

Duo sat up in his bed, "I'm serious. Why, Heero? Why do you fight?" 

"Will it get you to shut up?" 

Duo nodded vigorously. 

Grunting, Heero propped himself up on his matrice, "Fine. I fight because I have to. I fight because I believe in our cause and I have to to survive." 

"Really," Duo was silent for a while but as suspected, it didn't last, "How can you believe in a cause you don't know?" 

"What? Is there a point to this, Duo?" 

"Look, all I'm saying is this, we fight for peace but we've never lived in a peaceful time. In a sense, we're fighting for a dream. How can you fight not knowing what exactly it is you want?" 

"I want an end to this war. I'm not fighting for peace. I don't believe such a thing truly exists. I'm fighting for the absence of battle." Whether by curiosity or inability to regain sleep, Heero returned the question, "Why do you fight, Duo?" 

"Not for peace I can tell you that," the boy sighed and played with his braid, "For somebody whose never gotten anything without fighting for it, it's hard to imagine an existence without battles. I fight for life, not just my own but others. If I'm the one fighting, no one else will have to. I don't want innocent people to die. Innocent people have families and others who love them. I fight for them, to make sure they can keep what they've got." 

"You realize, of course, that you've just contradicted your earlier statement." Heero gazed evenly at his friend, "You said it was impossible to fight for a dream yet you've just described one. You said you fight for love and the families in this universe but you've never had either." 

Duo's eyes widened, "I…." _I love you...._ he lowered his head, "I guess we're both fighting for the dream then." 

Heero nodded, "Never loose faith in your dream. A soul without faith or a purpose is lost forever." 

The golden cross around Duo's neck suddenly felt heavier, "What if the dream is less than what we pictured?" 

"Then we find a new dream to chase." 

Gathering courage from the darkness of their nightly quarters, Duo crawled to the edge of the bed and closer to Heero's, "Will you be my other dream, Heero?" 

The look on the other's boys face was enough to send Duo into a stuttering mess, "I-I-I don't mean it like it sounds. I mean, if I can't find my dream for a family and love, can I have faith in you to still fight and fallow you in your path. I.. I don't want to end up lost and alone." 

Heero closed his eyes, "Do whatever you want. Just go to sleep." 

"Damnit Heero, if we're going to do this than we should do it right. If what we're fighting for isn't what we wanted, we'll have faith in each other and continue to stay true to our missions. Right?" 

"Duo," Heero stood and walked to the other bed, eyes narrowed and Swiss Army Knife in hand. 

"Shit, your going to kill me aren't you?" 

Heero flipped out the blade and slit his palm, the blood seeping out of the wound , "Like you said, if we're going to do this, we should do it right." He handed the blade to Duo, no concern what so ever for the blood dripping down his arm. 

Duo's eyes widened in fear and suprize but he took the knife and did the same to his own hand. It hurt more than Heero had made it seem. Heero extended his hand and clasped Duo's, "For our dreams and our faith in each other." 

Duo nodded, too moved to speak. Heero pulled away and walked to the bathroom, grabbing some medical supplies and passing them on to Duo, "Put something over that, you don't want it to get infected." 

Not answering, Duo grabbed some gauze and wrapped his hand, _You will always be my dream, Heero. I'll never get lost as long as you are here. I have faith in you. Forever. _

~FLASH 

The glass in Duo's hand fell to the floor with a loud clunk, water soaking the wood floor, "Our dreams….." He looked to his hand, the handful of pills laying over the scar he'd made five years back, "Our faith." The pills slipped from his hand, joining the puddle of liquid on the floor. _We promised to be here for eachother, and I have faith in you. You'll come back._

He touched his cross, its heavy presence a reminder of all his beliefs, "As long as I wear this, I will never loose my faith again." 

With a disapproving glance towards the bottle of pills, Duo settled back into his covers and slept, ignoring the pain and discomfort that plagued his body. He'd have no more painkillers tonight. 

* * *

Quatre whipped his brow and sighed as he placed the phone's receiver back onto the base unit. "Duo, ya got another call." He said to no one in particular, knowing his friend lie asleep in his room, "It was your lawyer wanting to discuss your will. You put everything you have into charities, churches and orphanages. Guess it looked suspicious or something. You've got a big heart, Duo, but not that big of a wallet. I'm sure it will all go to good use though." He stepped to the door and cracked it open. Still asleep. Quatre had come in early to find the mess of pills and water at the bedside. It had scared him more than anything. Though he wouldn't put suicide above someone in the boy's condition, it just seemed so out of character. A quick pulse check had set his mind at ease though. How the pills had gotten on the floor was still a mystery but one that could wait till the american awoke on his own. He closed the door again and flipped on the television in the living room. Nothing on, big surprise there. "Oh well, I guess there are more important things I should be doing. I've got a long day ahead of me." He sighed slightly and slid out of his chair. Being Duo's maid wasn't an easy task. Perhaps in the physical sense it wasn't draining but emotionally it could be devastating. Duo had surrounded himself with so many memories. Things as simple as sweeping the floor seemed painful reminders of the past and what lay ahead in the future. Visions of Duo wearing an oversized T-shirt and short shorts came to mind, his rich voice echoing off the hallow walls as he swept and sang, the broom acting as his microphone. The Deathscythe pilot had turned such a satisfying crimson color when Trowa had let slip the fact that he had seen and overheard him. 

"You… you saw me?" 

Trowa nodded, "Your quite the performer, Shinigami." 

Duo ducked his head between his shoulders, "You didn't tell anyone else, did you?" 

Trowa shook his head. At that moment, Heero walked into the room, an evil grin creeping onto his face as he walked past the two pilots, "Duo." 

The said boy turned, "Yea, Heero?" 

"Nice legs." 

That had done it. The American pulled off a whole body blush, every inch of visible skin from his normal black attire burning red. "You said you didn't tell anyone," he hissed through clenched teeth. 

Trowa nodded and walked towards the couch, "I didn't have to. We were all here to see for ourselves." 

Quatre smiled. Duo had certainly been angry after being the butt of the jokes for weeks on end. He'd gotten them back though, he always came out on top. A loud knock at the door interrupted his memories, At first he thought he had imagined it. No one came to the house, but again the loud knock resounded. 

"Just a second!" Quatre ran to the door, nearly tripping over the entry rug. He flung the door open and stood before an equally surprising sight, "Oh.. my… God!" 

A familiar dark haired boy brushed past him, his eyes searching around for Duo, "Where is he?" he asked immediately. 

"He's sleeping in his…" 

The man marched off to the room and opened the door. On the bed before him lay what might have been the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. The day's light fell onto his bed through the open window, casting a majestic glow upon the sleeping boy. Duo looked like an angel. Despite all this, he still looked like he'd been through hell. His hair was coming undone from his braid and his bangs clung to his forehead with perspiration. The man brushed aside the chestnut hair. "Duo, wake up." He ordered the boy, wishing the words had sounded more human. Duo opened his eyes slowly, adjusting to the morning light falling onto his face. 

"I'm tired, Quatre. Give me a few more minutes, please." 

The voice was small and weak. Could this be the boy he had seen just weeks before who'd dragged him along on his little extrusions? 

"I'm not Quatre, Duo." 

Cobalt eyes grew wide, focusing immediately onto the face hovering above him, "HEERO!" 

The said man nodded, "I've completed my mission. I thought that perhaps you would enjoy a visit." 

"Of course I would!" Duo tried to sit up but pain kept his nailed to the bed, "Uhrg... He-ero, where have you been, man? What was so important that you had to leave to do?" 

"He had to find us." 

Realizing he was no longer alone with the japanese man, Duo quickly surveyed the room. It didn't take long to see what he needed to see. Duo's voice caught in his throat, joy making it hard to even breath let alone speak. He had to be still dreaming. First Heero and now..."TROWA! WUFEI!" 

The long banged boy smiled from behind his mask of hair, "Sorry it took us so long to get here. We've both been out of service for a while. 

Wufei nodded, eyeing the sick boy with his large black eyes, "Maxwell, it is good to see you again." 

Duo lay in shock, "I'd almost given up hope that I would ever see you all again! I must still be dreaming!" 

Heero smiled faintly, "It is a dream. Seeing all those pictures you've kept reminded me. I knew what my mission was and what I had been searching for in coming here in the first place. I had to bring Trowa and Wufei to you to keep the dream. We promised.. a long time ago." Heero turned over his left hand, a faint scar evident in the bright light of the room. 

Duo nodded, "I had faith in you, Heero, then and I still do. Thank you." Unconsciously, one hand went to the cross at his neck, _It's my faith in you that allows me to be here today. I'll never regret my decision last night. Not as long as I live and longer._

Heero walked back to the door and pushed his friends out of the room, "We'll let you get some sleep, Duo. I just wanted to make sure you knew we were here." 

"Oh, like I'm going to be able to get back to sleep now!" Duo struggled to a sitting position and looked longingly at the door, "Whose up for a game of chess?!" 

Trowa shook his head, "Do you really think anyone here is going to turn you down? If you can get out f bed, it's a match." 

Duo did as he was told, steadying himself with one hand on the bedside table. His legs shook and knees buckled but he stood there, determined not to fall and not to let his pain show, _Not today. I'm not taking any medication today. I want to be like my old self and I'm not going to let a little pain stop me!_

Trowa walked over and wrapped an arm around his friend's waist, supporting most of his weight, "All you had to do was stand. We'll help you from here." 

Grateful, Duo wrapped an arm over the tall boy's shoulders and allowed himself to be helped out of the room and into the house. 

Heero watched as the three settled down in the comfortable settings of the living room. _He's so weak and tired but he still refuses to let that slow him down. Have I been gone that long? How much longer do we have t be a group again? He looks so happy to see us all. His family. His dream._ Visions of his own nightmares came to mind but at the moment, they had no effect on him, _Not only his dream, but all of ours. We'll exist for each other._

* * *


	5. Scars

# Scars

### Part Five of Regret

*.oO@Oo.* 

Wufei watched quietly as the days passed and the deteriorating health of his dying friend became more and more evident. It was aggravating and frustrating to know there was nothing he could do for him but that smile that always crept upon that heart shaped face always made him feel important. Duo could no longer stand and walking had been out of the question for some time. Quatre begged for him to take his medication but Duo refused, persisting that it made him sleepy and irritable. Against his knowledge and will though, Quatre had crumbled up the pain killers and hidden their traces in his food. Duo had eaten dinner without suspicion but that hadn't lasted long. Within minutes he had picked a fight with Heero over the ordeal and punched him squarely in the mouth. He hadn't been joking about the effects the medication had on him. Wufei glanced over at his friend a lifted his brows in question. 

Duo lay asleep on the couch with his head resting on Heero's lap. The japanese boys fingers strayed into the fine strands of chestnut and traced the line of the sleeping boys jaw tenderly. Heero caught Wufei's stair and narrowed his own, "What are you looking at? He passed out because you and the others decided to drug his food." 

"It was necessary, Yuy. You've seen how he's been. He tries to hide it but he's in pain." 

"I just don't think it was the right thing to do." 

Wufei nodded his head, "Perhaps. How's you lip?" he asked, changing the subject. 

Heero touched his swollen bottom lip, "Better. Can you ask Quatre for some more ice?" 

Wufei stood and headed out of the open room, casting a stray glance at the pair through the mirror over the mantel. _Your a damn fool, Yuy, but a lucky one at that. I just hope you realize it before you loose him. If you let love get away from you, you'll regret it forever. My dear Nataku..._

"Hey, Wu-chan!" 

Wufei whipped the sweat from his brow and down from the cockpit of the Shenlon, "What do you want, Maxwell?" 

The energetic boy twiddled his fingers in circles, "Nothing. I was just curious about something." 

Preparing himself for some off-the-wall question of little importance to anybody, Wufei crossed his arms across his chest and glared down, "Yes?" 

"Your Gundam's name is Shenlon, right?" Duo ran his hand down the smooth metal of the said mobile suit, "So why do you call it Nataku?" 

That was unexpected. Wufei's raven dark eyes widened in surprise. 

"You don't have to tell me. Like I said, I was just curious," Duo spoke quickly, misreading the look his question received. 

Wufei shook his head, "I'll tell you if you care to sit and listen." 

Duo took up the invitation and quickly climbed into the cockpit of the Shelon to sit down beside Wufei, "I'm all ears, buddy boy. So, what's the story?" 

"I call my ship Nataku in honor of my wife." 

Surprise did not fully describe the look on Duo's face, "Wife? Your kidding, right?" the solemn gaze in his friend's eyes answered his question as well as any words, "Wow. Man, you were married? How long ago?" 

Wufei sighed, "A year." 

"And-" 

"She's dead." Wufei answered, guessing as to the next inquiry. 

Duo fell silent, "I never knew. I'm sorry, Wufei. Is that the reason you fight? The reason you became a gundam pilot?" 

"Partly. She had a strong sense of justice and the heart of a soldier. I fight to remember her dream and bright justice to this God forsaken universe in her name." 

Duo shook his head, "I wish I could be so sure of myself when I speak of my cause. Your lucky, Wu-chan. You'll never loose faith in your cause because it will never change. You fight for your memories and they'll never fade." Duo stood and walked to the end of the cockpit hatch, "Do you think it's silly to fight for something your not sure you understand?" 

Wufei turned his head towards him slightly, "If you don't fight for it, you'll never understand it." 

"How do you know when you understand it though if you don't know what it is your trying to find? If you've never know it, how can you recognize it as being what you needed to understand?" 

"Your starting to confuse me. What are you rambling about?" 

Duo shook his head, "Nothing, I guess. Just having some doubts about my cause. I don't want to make any sacrifices in vain." 

Wufei stood and put a reassuring hand on his friends shoulder, "If that's the case, find someone to fallow. Sometimes, it takes a person and not an idea to motivate a soldier in the right direction. Armies before us have used a ruler to guide them on the true path." 

"But rulers change." 

Wufei nodded, "Then you must fallow your heart to guide you towards someone you know will stay true and never lead you astray." 

"Fallow my heart huh." a shadow of Duo's smile crept back upon his face, "Fallow my heart and find someone who I have faith in." He nodded with reassurance. 

"Answer all of your questions?" Wufei asked, sitting back into his flight harness and adjusting minor settings. 

Duo leapt out of the gundam and waved good-bye, "Yeah, thanks a lot, Wu-chan. I'm glad you told me the reasoning behind Nataku. It really shows your trust in me. Your one hell of a guy, Wufei, and I know your wife would be proud of you and your actions. Thanks again!" 

Wufei watched as his braided friend ran down the stairs of the warehouse and towards the safe-house the five of them were staying in for now. 

Five years later, Wufei smirked at the memory of the melancholy scene. He hadn't realized then what ideas he had put into the boys thick skull. If he remembered correctly, the next morning had been the first time he'd noticed the bloody gashes on both Duo and Heero's hands which at this time were neatly healed, nearly identical scars. Both had blamed the cuts on gundam repairs or kitchen accidents and had gotten away without suspicion but resurfacing memories soon put such lies to truth. _Gundam repairs indeed, Heero Yuy. Sense when do scars of this nature indebt you to searching the universe to find two old friends to join in another's dying hours?_ Wufei's smirk died, Act fast, Yuy. You're fooling no one but yourself with that unfeeling facade. 

Swiftly, Wufei turned back to face Heero, "Why don't you just kiss him and get it over with, Yuy? You want to so badly you can taste his lips on yours. So why don't you just do it? Do you have too much pride to admit to yourself that you love him?" 

Heero's eyes darkened, "You don't know what your talking about." 

"Bastard." Wufei retreated to the kitchen, brushing past a startled Quatre and Trowa hovering over photo albums, and went straight for the freezer. He helped himself to a bag full of ice and left, throwing it at Heero the moment he was within sight. 

Heero caught it in the air but sensed the ill intent of his colleague. "What the hell is your problem?" 

"I don't have a problem. You do. Maybe you can't admit to yourself your best friend is dying or maybe your just too scared to admit that you care but for whatever reason you have, you've got to get over it, accept it and move on! You care, damnit! You have to care or you wouldn't have done so much for him. You just can't see what your doing and why because over the years, it's become a second nature to you. Maxwell's more than a friend to you, Yuy. I see it in your eyes, when you touch him. You act as though he may shatter into a million pieces in your arms. I can hear it in your voice even when you speak of him or to him. You're scared, Yuy. So scared you no longer know what to do." 

"Shut up now. Your only making yourself look like a fool!" 

Hearing the mess of words being shouted across the other room, Trowa and Quatre quickly ran in, half expecting to play referee in a fist fight. Wufei still stood feet away from the couch, an enraged yet controlled Heero glaring daggers at him. 

"I'm not the one being foolish here, Yuy. You are," Wufei continued, "You thought you could live without him once five years ago but look at you now, back here and for reasons you chose not to admit." 

"I came here to-" 

"You came here to remember life before war. I know, I've heard you say it before. That's a bunch of BS from where I'm standing. You didn't come here to remember life, you came here to remember love. Maxwell was all you had during the war and no matter how much you tried, you couldn't forget him or how much you needed him to make you feel secure. The only reason it took you five years to return was because of your damn pride. I'm sorry, Yuy, but Maxwell doesn't have another five years to wait for you to realize all that I've said is true. So break out of your self-imposed emotional prison and tell him you love him. Kiss him and show him you mean it. Damnit, Yuy, I won't let you deceive yourself any longer. Maxwell deserves your honesty and I'd regret not telling you so for the rest of my life. Regret, in many ways, is a fate worse than death. It's unchangeable and there's no justification worthy enough to cure it. Don't fall victim to it yourself." 

Whatever anger Heero felt towards Wufei vanished in Duo's short sob as his hands reached up and grasped Heero's shirt. 

"Heero, I don't feel so good.", his small voice whispered. 

Heero wrapped his arms around his weak body and stood to carry him, "I'll get you to your room." He brushed past Wufei on his way out, casting a dangerous glance at him before disappearing into Duo's room. He lay the boy on the bed and cringed as he reflexively curled into a ball on the matrices. _They shouldn't have drugged him. It didn't do him any good. Just an hour or so of peaceful slumber and now this._ He turned the lights down and started to close the door behind him. 

"Oi, Heero, come back. I wanna ask you something." 

"I thought you weren't feeling well." He answered back, not caring to turn around. 

"I'm not, "Duo admitted, "That's why I need to talk to you now, Heero. I heard what Wufei said." 

Heero shut the door, shutting out the world beyond it and separating himself and Duo from it's eyes and ears. He held his breath for what seemed like an eternity, "I thought you were asleep." 

"I was. I only heard what he said about regret. Do you think he's right?" 

Heero breathed again in the form of a silent sigh of gratitude, "Wufei's full of crap, Duo. If he's not raving about justice he's preaching on what little he thinks he knows. 

Duo rolled over and faced the ceiling, arms thrown casually over his chest, "In the Ancient Egyptian religion, the souls of the dead that wished to pass on to the afterlife had to fist weight their heart against a feather. If their heart weighed less than the feather, they were permitted to ascend to their place of final bliss. If the feather weighted more than their heart, however, they were doomed to roamed the earth." 

Heero shook his head, "It's a good thing you're catholic then." 

"Even myth is based off facts, Heero." 

"It's impossible for a human heart to weigh less than a feather." 

"Damnit, Heero! It never fails! I try to be philosophical and you have to take everything I say so literally. Can't you look beyond the words and find meaning?" 

Heero sat on the far corner of the bed, his back still turned to him, "I've heard the expression 'heavy heart' enough to understand the basics of what I believe you are getting at." 

"And what am I getting at, Heero? Do you really understand or are they just words to you?" 

"What do you want me to say, Duo. I don't know what it is you're trying to get me to understand. Stop playing with words and come out with it." 

"I'm scared, Heero." He blurted out, the words echoing in the stillness. 

"You were a gundam pilot. You've never been afraid of death and I won't believe you are now." 

Duo rolled his head from side to side, "Death doesn't scare me. It's what lies after death that I'm afraid of. I have a heavy heart." Duo paused to let the words sink in, " It's not so much that I regret what I've done in my life, but that I regret what I didn't do. I dreamed of family and love and here I die with neither. Look at you, though. Your dream came true. You've found your peace. I really admire you, Heero. You were able to make your dream a reality. I don't think you understand how lucky you are." 

Heero adjusted his weight on the bed and turned to look back on Duo, "Your wrong. You did accomplish your dreams. Think of Quatre and Trowa and Wufei. We're your family. We may fight each other and argue but we still stick together because we rely on each others strengths." 

"I'm sorry I punched you, Heero. I didn't mean to hurt you." 

Heero shook his head, "I don't blame you. I'd be pissed too if someone drugged my meal." 

Duo gazed blankly at the ceiling, "They did it because they cared. I never realized how close we'd grown together, even after all these years. I guess sometimes we just have to stand back and view the big picture, ne Heero?" 

"That's what Wufei said," Heero noted with slight surprise. 

"Smart guy." Duo chuckled, "I've got one hell of a family." 

"Hm," Heero nodded lightly and stood, heading back to the door. 

"What about love?" 

The japanese boy hesitated, "What about it?" 

"You said I'd accomplished my dreams. They were family and love." 

"A family is love," Heero submitted. 

"You know what I mean, Heero." 

He reached for the doorknob, "What about Hilde?" 

Duo sighed, "You know as well as I do that that would have never worked out. She was too much like me, hard headed. It was better for the both of us to have said good-bye and moved on after the war." 

"Did you love her though?" 

"Enough to admit I wasn't the right guy for her. She's done better with her life sence then. I talked to her a few weeks ago to say hi and found out she'd married and had a few kids. I seriously couldn't be more happy for her." 

Heero stood frozen, unable to sway from his position before the door, his scared hand poised above the knob. _My scar…. Our scar…_ "Why did you pick me to fallow when your hope in your dreams faded?" 

"Because of anyone I've ever met, I trusted you more. You've never lied to me, you've never hurt me with ill intention, you've saved my life plenty of times, and you've always been there for me. I was willing to trust you and your path because I knew you wouldn't disappoint me." 

"Did I ever, Duo? Disappoint you?" 

Duo sighed and rested his arms at his side, "You've been the best best friend anyone could ask for, and more of one than I deserved." 

_No, Wufei was right. You deserve better._ His feet carried him quickly from one end of the bed to the next. Arms enclosed the startled american and lips pressed passionately together as if immortality lay beyond there feeble flesh. Heero pulled away before long, his eyes a lustful deep blue, "You deserve more than my friendship, Duo. You've given me more in one lifetime than I could ever hope to give back. Do you have any idea what you did for me those years ago with this?" he traced the lines of the scar on Duo's hand, "It was your faith in me that kept me going. I'd long past given up on peace but your smile reminded me of every reason I had to continue. I don't want to ever regret those battles years ago when I would hear your triumphant battle cry as he crashed threw a barricade by my side. We were a team and nothing we did together was ever less and a success. I don't want to regret then, and I don't want to regret now." He leaned down and kissed him again, less urgent this time but with a hunger and need he couldn't describe and wished to fulfil. Duo didn't fight him but seemed to melt under his weight and the warm touch of his mouth. A soft moan escaped him as Heero invaded his own with his tongue, driven to taste the sweetness within. Hands ran up the body pinned to the bed and traced soft paths along every contour they encountered. Heero tried to run his fingers threw the long locks before him but met a tangled resistance as his fingers slid down into the barrier Duo had created. _The braid has got to go. Now._ He followed it's extravagant length and snapped the thin tie that restrained the beautiful chestnut hairs. The results were immediate and satisfying. 

Duo giggled as he felt Heero's lips open into a smile, "I thought you hated my hair," he said as Heero sat back. 

"I love your hair." He pulled off his shirt and tossed to the far corner of the room, eyeing the beauty he saw beneath him. 

"Do you love me?" Duo asked, his cobalt eyes hopeful and expressive. 

_I'll never run from those eyes again,_ Heero leaned over him, his warm breath dancing across the pale skin on Duo's face, "Ai shiteiru."


	6. Remorse

# Remorse

### Part Six of Regret

*.oO@Oo.* 

Quatre gazed about the kitchen with a smug smile playing on his face, "Anyone see Heero last night?" he asked, drawing a conclusion from all the blank stairs he got in response, "I think you got through to him, Wufei. I really think you did." 

Wufei nodded his head, "For his sake I hope so." 

"Heero's always instructed us to live our lives according to our emotions. I had hoped he would have understood thing before now," Trowa added into the conversation, refilling his black coffee mug, "If I didn't have so much trust in the guy, I would have spoken up before you had too." 

"It wasn't a matter of trust. Not to be predictable, but it would be unjust to allow the two of them to carry on as they were. I don't condone any action they may have taken, but I am relieved that this has transpired." 

Trowa raised a brow and slipped one hand under the table to squeeze Quatre's knee. The said boy squeaked and blushed deeply, "Uh, coffee anyone?" 

The chinese boy shook his head, "Oh, Nataku, please remind me why I involve myself." 

"Because you can't abandon us and not feel guilty." Trowa noted, his face masked both by his hair and the black mug in his hands. The smell of his beverage filled his senses, awakening them more with each whiff. 

"Perhaps." 

Heavy steps entered the kitchen before the tired body of the missing member did. Heero went immediately for the cupboard, taking out a pouch of hot chocolate rather then helping himself to the coffeepot before him. 

Quatre smiled bright, "Good morning, Heero. I trust you slept well." 

Heero was silent, his only noise the spoon in hand as it scraped across the bottom of the mug to stir in the powdery contents of his drink. 

Trowa chuckled softly, "Taking up on some of Duo's taste, ne?" he asked, nodding towards the chocolate box. 

Heero remained silent. 

"Well, seeing as though your awake now, I guess I should get breakfast started. Does eggs sound alright to you?" Quatre didn't wait for an answer as he took down five plates from the shelves and set four of them down around the square table. A fifth one was laid on a trey to be carried in to Duo in his bed. Heero's gaze narrowed and his hand swiped down to grab the plate, raising it high into he hair and throwing it to the floor. The plate shattered into a hundred shards, each streaming out and littering the floor with porcelain pieces. All eyes watched in horror and confusion as a thick silence fell over them. 

"There is no longer any need to set out a fifth plate." 

Quatre's large crystal eyes filled with tears from unspoken words and his legs carried his quickly towards the room from which Heero had come from. Trowa followed. The sharp edges of porcelain shards pressed painfully into the skin of Heero'' feet as he walked to his seat at the table but he paid it no mind. His eyes were down cast and seemed to watch the steam rise from his cup with feigned interest. Quatre's enraged and mournful cry rang out threw the pregnant silence. 

At this, Wufei cringed. His black eyes focused on Heero, digressing his calm yet disturbed attitude, "Well?" 

_I wish I could cry…… that I could let this emptiness out. It's suffocating me. Yet still… _ Heero's head raised just high enough to see the ebony eyes staring into his, "No regrets." 

!FLASH! (yea yea.... corney....)

Heero stroked the velvet hair that fell like rays of honey upon his chest where Duo lay his head. With every breath that caressed his naked skin he felt life, beautiful and welcoming as the days first light. He felt invincible, as though the heavens had opened wide and blessed upon him the gift of a thousand lifetimes. And each one was full of the sights, sounds, and presence of the ex-pilot he held so tightly to in these morning hours. He never wanted to move, to be torn away from the present warmth that filled him in entirety. He no longer cared that it had taken him so long to tell Duo the truth, the fact that he had done so at all was more then enough to fulfil every desire his heart had requested from him these past five years. Heero smiled to himself, _Now… I've found my peace._

He bent his head and kissed the chestnut covered head before him, "Ai shiteiru, Duo. I'll never leave you again." 

The boy moaned and snuggled his cheek against Heero's chest, "Ai shiteiru," he embraced the gentle flesh beneath him, "Will you always remember me this way?" 

Heero brushed aside the jagged bangs from the heart shaped face, "I'll never know you to be otherwise." 

Duo smiled but his eyes held a sorrow, "I don't want to say goodbye." 

Heero understood and drew Duo's warmth closer to him, his face nearer his own, "You don't have to go. Fight it, Duo. You're stronger than this. You can beat death. You are Death." 

Duo shook his head, resting his soul in Heero's eyes, "I want you to have my cross, Heero. To remember me by." 

"Memories like these don't fade." Heero kissed him gently, unwilling to accept fate as it swept upon the scene with a cold shadow. 

Duo's lids became heavy but he smiled despite the cold and approaching rest, "You were always my dream, Heero. Even before we made out promise. Ai shiteiru, Heero. Even in death." His eyes closed fully as his lips whispered his last words. 

Heero's hand fell to the boy's chest, awaiting the steady beat of reassurance. Only disappointment lay beneath his gentle touch. He wanted to cry but he couldn't, his body and soul seemed numb to reality, cruel and plain as it was. His fingers traced the lifeless lips, wishing to feel the breath that had been stolen from them. Nothing but cold stillness. His eyes clamped shut, not wishing to see that loving face without it's devil-may-care smile. The morning light continued to spill threw the windows, the brightness proclaiming new life and hope. Lies. There was no mercy given on his soul this day and no amount of lies could shield him from the pain. 

"Ai shiteiru, Duo. Goodbye." 


	7. Goodbye

# Goodbye

### Part Seven to Regret

*.oO@Oo.* 

Not a sound was heard from the congregation, save Trowa's hushing whispers to calm the sobbing arabian. This day had been expected but in reality, not one present had expected it to come so soon, all but the one lain in the coffin, clothed in his finest with hands clasped over chest and neatly plated braid. Trowa's thoughts wandered from the sermon to the day this eventuality was reviled to him. Heero had tracked him down to a small urban area on the Italian peninsula. He'd known immediately something was wrong. He couldn't remember what had given it away but the feeling had been strong. 

"Heero? What brings you here?" 

"You." Heero stared at him, prussian eyes narrow and stern, "Your coming with me." 

Trowa shook his head, "What's going on?" 

"Duo's dying. He told me he wanted to see all of us together again so I'm here to bring you to him." 

The cold unfeeling voice startled him more than the words they spoke. 

"I'll get my stuff." Trowa turned and walked away, his mind running but no sense coming from it. Duo? Dying? It didn't seem possible. During the years of battle, things had run according to a strict rule. Duo never died, Heero was always there to save him. Heero was too stubborn to die himself and while he was at it, Quatre was to innocent to die. Just considering killing the arabian could be considered a sin. If anyone was to die, it would be he or Wufei, not the laughing jokester with the wide eyes smile. He sighed, _We fought without a care for our lives, never anticipating to service beyond the war. But we won. We never expected to live, but now I never expected us to have to die._ He didn't have much to take with him. Cathryn waited with Heero in the living room, offering him her condolences as Trowa packed. Heero, though always a wall of stone, seemed to bend under Cathryn's words of concern. 

"I feel so sorry for you. He's you best friend, isn't he?" 

Heero nodded, approving the statement Trowa had never even considered he would admit. _You've changed…_

"There's nothing the doctors can do for him?" Cathryn continued. 

"It's nothing that can be cured." Heero slumped forward, "The L2 colonies were once plagued with a deadly disease. The cure was given to those who could afford it but at the time, Duo was a child of seven and living on the streets. The plague killed his best friend and threatened to kill every orphaned street kid on the colonies. Being the sneaky boy he was, Duo snuck into a government building and stool bottles of the cure to distribute to the children. He neglected to give himself the cure though, wishing to die with his best friend. It seemed at the time that he hadn't contracted the plague and he went on living a normal life. But over the years, the plague has been eating away at him. Duo's dying of a plague that was whipped out thirteen years ago because he wouldn't abandon his best friend, even in death." 

Cathryn whipped at a tear and hugged Heero, "I'm so sorry." 

Heero rested his head against he shoulder, weary and too damn tired to care. Trowa appeared from his room and cast a worried glance towards the japanese boy, "You going to be okay?" 

Heero nodded, pulling away from Cathryn, "Let's go." 

Trowa kissed his sister on the cheek as he passed, "See ya, sis." 

Cathryn smiled despite he tears, "Quatre's going to be there. You haven't seen him in two years. Are you excited?" 

Trowa paused, one hand resting on the doorframe, "Under other circumstances, maybe I would be." 

Trowa stroked the blonde hair and sighed. It was only when the preacher stepped down and he saw Heero standing to walk to the front of the church had Trowa been torn from thought and pulled back into the here and now. _Oh Heero. Today you bury your best friend. As if it wasn't enough, you deliver his eulogy. Can you really do this? Are you that strong?_

Heero carried with his a single red rose and lay it on the pulpit as he stood before it, eyes resting momentarily at the paper he'd brought with him. When his head raised, there were tears in his eyes but none to have spilled down his face. He held them back and shuffled his notes, only speaking when he knew his voice would not fail him. The soft words carried through the church easily, drawing on memory and hopes. Heero never took his eyes off the people before him, seeming to have forgotten about the prepared speech he'd brought with him. 

"Duo Maxwell was human. He had a heart, a body and a soul. He was a hero as well, fighting for a peace that will, in time, be taken for granted. This never bothered him. The fact that his fighting meant other people didn't have to made that battle all the more important and gave him reason to fight. In this way, he was more than human. He was a god. The self-proclaimed god of death, Shinigami. He became the heart of a gundam, the embodiment of death and the soul of lost innocence. Despite the harsh lives we were all faced to live, his smile never faded from that heart shaped face, the twinkle never loosing it's spark in those wide violet eyes. He fought for a future we'd never known and an existence for mankind to share. Known for his cheerful chatter and devil-may-care personality, Duo Maxwell was perhaps the most irritatingly happy person I'd ever met. He never let anything get to him, or so I thought. Behind those eyes and smile was a torrent of raging emotions he never let go of and never exposed. I don't remember ever expressing my gratitude to him, but I'm glad he upheld that façade of his. His smile gave me hope in tomorrow and courage to face today. But he's gone now and his smile has faded. Those violet gems will never again open. Their spark has died with him. No amount of wars can win it back. For this, I cry. At times, I still can hear him laughing, see that tail of chestnut hair bounce and fly beyond a wall as if trailing behind it's owner. I know he's not there but I still listen, still look and fallow. He's presence is everywhere. It's in the rain when the skies are blue, in the rainbow as it shines its promise, in my memories, in my dreams, and in my life. Duo Maxwell may be dead, but he will never be forgotten. " Heero's hands reached to his breast, fingers clasping around the shiny cross that he now wore, "Life is short. We've been told so sense we were children, told to live it to the fullest and pass on with no regrets. This was all true of Duo. He'd unconditionally given his life and love all his life, and in the end, he'd found friends and found a family within them. I will live my life in his example. He taught me to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures in life and I want to continue to enjoy living. In this way, we will never be apart. I will live for the both of us, day to day, searching for the rainbow in the gray skies. It is as much my promise to him, as it is to you, my friends. No matter what life throws us, we may never regret his passing. At least we had a chance to say good-bye. At least he knows he was loved." Heero lifted the rose from the pulpit and turned to the open coffin. His hands slipped the rose under the cold fingers and lingered there, unable to move. The preacher must have noticed this. The older man walked over and laid a hand on Heero's shoulder. Heero's lips moved in a whisper but no audible words were heard. 

Trowa watched his lips, years of training allowing him to read what Heero had said. Ai shiteiru, Duo. Good-bye. His heart stopped, his breath held deep within his chest. _Oh god… I can't…_ His resolve lost, tears fell freely from his eyes, splashing against the blonde hair at his chin. _He really cared. I knew he had to but… he said it. I never thought I'd hear him say he loved anyone. Oh god, why did you have to take Duo now?_

Quatre must have noticed the jerking shudders his body made for he turned his crystal eyes to him in concern, "Trowa?" 

He shook his head, "I'm fine. Shhhh… I'm fine." 

Quatre slipped his hands around the other man, patting his back in assurance, "I know. But there are just some things you need other people around for. Mourning is one of those. It's okay to cry, Trowa. It's okay to cry." 

Trowa broke down in his arms, his head resting between his friend's neck and shoulder, tears pooling there like puddles. Quatre seemed calmed, Trowa noted. Indeed, Quatre even seemed stronger. The boy ran his hands down the back of his crying friend in soothing circles, whispering words of comfort as had been done for him. _It's okay to cry, Trowa. I'll be your strength. I'll be here for you._

* * *

One year later. 

Trowa fell down hard, landing on the firm body beneath him. Quatre shouted in protest, trying his best to free himself from the weight on the tall man, "Get off me!" he laughed. 

Trowa snickered, "I can't. Not until you remove your leg from between mine." 

Quatre blushed, "You want me to fall down too?" 

"I just don't want to damage anything vital." 

Quatre's blush deepened, "You got yourself in this mess you know. Maybe next time you'll keep your legs to yourself and your hands as well I might add." His wrists were beginning to feel the strain of the other boys body as he was being held up only by the balls of his feet and his hands, "I mean it Trowa, Get off me." 

"Are you afraid?" 

"No!" Quatre tried to make himself sound intimidating, "But it would be nice to-TROWA!" 

Quatre fell down and smashed his face into the ground. That hurt. Trowa was immediately sorry and slid off the arabian, gathering him into his arms, "I'm sorry." 

Wufei shook his head and put down the spinner, "Another game of twister, another victory for Heero." He pointed to the only one left standing on the game board. 

Heero stood and unknotted the knots that had formed in his shoulders, "I know you wanted to win, Quatre." 

Quatre shrugged, "Best nine out of twelve them, ne?" 

"Maybe later." Heero rubbed the back of his neck and sat down in the grass on the hill. It was a beautiful day. Not a rain cloud in sight. _Damn_ he thought, nibbling on the chain which held the golden cross around his neck. _I'd have loved it to have rained._ The hill and the house were unchanged, a year of unuse not showing a bit. It was practically spit polished thanks to Quatre and Trowa's efforts. _Quatre and Trowa. We always thought they would be the first, ne Duo?_ he smiled, _Who's have thought it would have been us._

Wufei glanced over at Heero and concern overfell his features, "You okay?" 

Heero nodded, "Just thinking, that's all. It's a beautiful day." 

The book in his hands suddenly seemed all the less interesting, "Did you go to the church yard today?" 

"Yeah. It looked very nice. I forgot to thank you." 

"Don't mention it," Wufei sighed, "Nataku loved flowers. It's hard for me to picture a burial sight without them." 

Quatre leaned into Trowa's embrace, "We made it back here. I'm glad we all remembered." 

"As if we'd forget." Trowa kissed the top of his head, "We made our own promises last year. To come back here every year on this day was just one of them. Duo didn't like the fact that we all grew apart. In truth, I don't think any of us did. This way, we will always meet again, even if just once in the year. On this hill, in this house, on this day." 

Quatre nodded, "In a way, I'm almost grateful things turned out like they did. Heero, despite his loss, seems happier. I don't think I've ever seen him laugh and smile this much. Wufei will always be Wufei, but he's with us again, and you and I have each other now." 

Heero smirked, "As if anyone could forget. Stop groping each other and get a room." 

This time, Trowa's face was not spared the crimson that splashed upon his cheeks. 

Wufei shook his head, "Oh Nataku, please remind me why I bother myself with these fools." 

"Because you love us." 

Wufei was silent, his eyes large round orbs, "Heero?" 

"We're family, whether we like it or not. You can't chose family, it chooses you. No mater how much you fight it, Wufei, you're a part of this." 

Wufei starred at him, them the others. A unfamiliar smile crept upon his face, "Perhaps." 

"Perhaps nothing!" Trowa grabbed the twister mat and threw it at him, the thin plastic falling neatly over the chinese boy. Heero, Trowa and Quatre proceeded to tackled and mock wrestle the confined friend till shouts of protest made them stop, "Alright, alright! I give in!" 

Quatre threw off the mat and smiled winningly, "Great. Cause you know how persistent we are." 

Wufei shook his head and picked his book back up, "Whatever. I'm going back inside. I'll see you all later." 

"No way, Wufei! You're not getting away till you tell us you love us!" 

Quatre smiled deviously, " And kiss us to show us you mean it." 

Sensing his danger, Wufei took off in a full run up the hill, the others following in close pursuit. 

Heero stayed back however and observed them wistfully. _You brought us all together again, Duo. Thank you._ He sighed and charged up the hill after the sounds of shouting and threats. Had he stayed but a moment more, perhaps he would have seen the delicate pure white feather that fell from the sky and danced about the hillside on winds of laughter. 


End file.
